One of the most common things people who have had babies say to someone who has recently had a baby is, "They grow up so fast" or something to that point. A general warning that the time will pass so quickly that you cannot believe it.
I believe it. It scares me, makes me feel very sad and causes me to cry almost everyday. In the midst of such bliss about all things E, this is a reality that causes me pain.
It is within the massacre of love that overwhelms me when I hold her that my heart is pierced by both tremendous joy and by the torment of haunting voices, which repeat... this will not last, before you know it she'll be walking, talking, schooling, dating, loving, leaving... and then my voice cracks as I sing to her, because I've begun to cry.
I stand in front of a mirror as I hold her. I am holding her in my left arm and her tiny hiney sits on it like it's a little shelf. It is. There has never been a more noble purpose for my left arm. It is, in my opinion, the greatest accomplishment of my arm's life to have become a tiny hiney shelf for E.
I stand and I stare, trying to etch all of the details into my memory. Her pink socks, the shape of the back of her head and ears, the feel of her tiny hands exploring my face, the length of her legs as they drive her feet to thump against my belly. My belly that held her almost 8 months ago. Feels like yesterday.
I try to take refuge from this anguish by diving into the compound of excitement for the present and the future. E helps me with this challenge. She knows already the power she has over me (us) when she calls my (our) attention to her excitement of discovery. She invites me to share in her experiences with beckoning calls, "bah bah budah rah rahlabah" and glances that issue, "Mommy look!" "Mommy help!" and my favorite, "Mommy I DID IT!"
Is feeling powerless against the passage of time just part of the parenting deal? I suppose the more you love something the less you want to let it go, even if you have no choice. Maybe the best thing is to make a decision to be comfortable and gracious about the time today lasts and really live in it. That's what I want to do. I don't want to feel sad about how quickly time passes, I want to feel exhilaration for the whole process.
5 comments:
Aw, beautifully written, as usual. Made my eyes leak! You and that baby are so lucky, and so beautiful. Enjoy this...and the grieving will slow down once you are chasing her all over the place and your every thought is consumed with the wonder of looking at the world through her eyes (or later, bickering with the walking hormone who replaces her!) Each day is different. But it's all good. You will always grieve the her that was, but less frequently...I still hold my teen queen in my mind at three years old! In parenting, we just have to try to remember to BE HERE NOW and not cry for yesterday, or worry about tomorrow because all of it is out of our control and this is the gift we get. The NOW. Mwah! To all of you.
first of all, you are the cutest freakin' thing evah!
One of the hardest things for me to do with my boys is to be present, fully in the moment with them. whether it be a moment of joy, pain, fear...
though it's difficult, cindra's exactly right. being present, here and now, is invaluable. there will always be some level of worry. i think as moms that's a gift that helps us to make the best decisions we know how to make. the past decisions are made, and help to mold her into who she's meant to be. the grief and worry won't evaporate, but remember that she grows, you grow, and you will fall in love with changing E through each phase...in love just as deeply, if not more, than you are right this moment. love you BIG!
she is blessed to have you and S
What a beautiful baby! She glows!
A beautiful post. Really beautiful.
maybe you could extend that tiny-hiney-shelf towards a keyboard and command the otherwise useless attached hand to type out another post, hmm?
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