Mothers

My grandmother is 96. My mother is 60. I just became a mother for the first time, 12 weeks and 1 day ago, at 31.

My mom and dad just "downsized". Moved out of the house they worked their whole lives to build, into the one they'll die in. It was a good move. The big house was too big and too much to handle at this stage in their lives, I guess.

One of the great heartbreaks of my life has been my parents' relationship. They have been married now for almost 40 years and they have never been compatible. They are both great people. Generosity, love of their children and kindness to acquaintances are good things they share. My mom is openly emotional and a dramatic martyr; she is also a smart woman who never believed it. My dad is macho and secretly emotional, drowning in sweat from working to keep his invincibleness alive in his own perception (because no else cares one way or another). This is a common story, I know. It just feels custom made.

My mom is not adventurous, my dad wanted to see the world. My mom isn't spontaneous, my dad wanted to pick up and go. My mom isn't a risk taker, my dad wanted a motorcycle. My dad doesn't need to be nagged, my mom was a nagger. My dad isn't healthy, my mom isn't either, but she thinks she is.

I can be mad at my dad for being a dick to my mom. I can be mad at my mom for driving my dad crazy. I am really just disappointed that they aren't happy because I love them both dearly.

But, where am I heading? Sorry. Mothers. Right.

My mother has been squashed by my father, who didn't mean it. She is angry and "fed-up" and hurt and vengeful and full of talk with no real action. She was such a fresh and beautiful woman when she was younger and I think she could be that woman again, with the right man or without him. I just don't know how to get my mother to see what I see. I am not even sure if I did open her eyes, she'd make changes. I am even less sure that this is a role I should play. But we agreed, see...

When I was 12, my mom and I agreed that we would always talk to one another and listen to one another with openness. At the time, we'd been talking about how my grandmother was aging. She was telling stories we couldn't follow and getting lots of food on her cheeks when she ate. She wasn't in touch with the world (except for baseball, which she followed like a 12 year old boy). She had lost her husband, when my mom was 19, and had never remarried or redated or resexed either, as far as I know.

There wasn't anyone there to say, "Hey babe, you're slippin here and there..." I asked my mom why she didn't do it, you know, tell my grammy where she needed to pay more attention, to stay on top of her game. She said they didn't have that kind of relationship. I said I thought that was sad and my mom said, "Let's agree not to be that way. I will always tell you what I think about you and you can always tell me what you think about me. Okay?" "Deal!" I said. I even asked if I would get in trouble for being "too big for my britches" and she said I wouldn't.

When I was 22, I told my mom she had to be careful not to let her lipstick run up the age lines above her lips onto her face. I also told her I didn't think she needed to still wear as much makeup as ten years ago. Point one taken, point two ignored.

I don't remember defined feedback events from my mom. They happen all the time to this day. Sometimes they are great suggestions, sometimes they are hurtful. Bottom line is, she has leveraged this deal a lot more than I have over the years. Reality is, she didn't need the deal, she's my mother. Tough part is, she sees a different me than the me I am, because she's my mom. She pushes buttons that are grayed out for the rest of the world, so she solicits reactions from me that are hers alone, but assumes I act that way for everyone. It's hard.

You too, right? Mothers.

Now I have become a mother. My baby is still tiny, she is 10lbs of cooing or crying unadulterated joy for me and my husby. He is the most incredible person I have ever known and he treats me (and all people) with kindness, respect and interest. I don't have the interpersonal relationship challenges my mother had when she became a mother. She was still a babe herself though, at 23. I am glad to be starting at 31, feeling good about my establishment and my partnership (albeit older than I thought I'd be) beginning this journey.

As I think ahead, I imagine I will want to make my mother's deal with my girl, too, and see how it goes. That being the case, I want to do a better job holding up my end of the deal with my mother. I guess I will have to tell my mom that sometimes she gets food on her cheeks when she's eating. I'll have to say, too, that I couldn't follow the story of the car accident she was trying to tell the other day, when she came to visit.

As a mother now myself, for some reason I feel more maternal towards my mother than I have before. I want to tell her that I want to share the relationship with her that she couldn't share with her own mother, even as we age. I want to tell my mother that I still think she should leave my father and try to rediscover the fresh and beautiful woman she used to be. It isn't that I don't like my dad, he is my hero and I am a classic "daddy's girl" for sure. It's actually the case that he'd be happier, too.

At very least, our deal stipulates that I try to help her see what I see and that I encourage her to better herself, the same way she does for me. It's just that so much time has passed now, 20 years, since we made that deal... I don't want to come off "too big for my britches."