Knocking it out of the park

I say, "S has to take the Bar again". I like that better than when he says, "I failed."

For the past 3 months, I've been saying if he passes, it will be a miracle. I've also been saying I wouldn't be terribly surprised if he passes, because he is an extremely intelligent guy, with a brain that spins like a top. But, let's review.

Last year, I had two miscarriages. The first one didn't happen until the start of my second trimester, after we'd heard the th-thump, th-thump, th-thump of that tiny racing heartbeat, told everyone we knew we were preggo and of course, dreamed a thousand dreams for that little life.

The first one wasn't the -"oh my gosh I am bleeding"- variety. It was the -doctor can't find the heartbeat, but don't worry, we'll do a sonogram, -oh no something's wrong but we aren't entirely sure your world is going to fall apart yet, go to this other office where they have a better machine to look and be sure, -oh yes, the fetus has died you need to have a D&E (on valentine's day) to avoid infection because it looks like it died a month ago and never came out- variety. To be iced by the infection and second emergency D&E in the hospital again three days later.

The second miscarriage was much easier. Almost as soon as we'd confirmed I was pregnant again we'd also confirmed that my hcg levels weren't increasing as expected. Next day I began bleeding and that was that.

"Don't worry, it was a 'chemical pregnancy' you will probably be able to get pregnant and carry to term no problem" says the doc. Okay, yeah, it doesn't bother us at all that you have no fucking idea why this keeps happening after the gazillion tests that all came back normal.

Try. Cry. Try. Cry. Sex becomes a timing drill and I am constantly sticking my (clean) fingers into my birthing canal to check the consistency of my juicy juice. I say, "Do you think this looks like the clear part of a raw egg? Forget it. Just get your dick out and look at my tits, honey."

Pregnant again. We go to all appointments together. Not taking any chances on not being together for events at the doctor, good ones or bad ones. Steeling our nerves, hiding our news.

It was hard. The whole thing. I hate being pregnant. I am the biggest pain in the ass pregnant wife in history. Not because I want ice cream and pickles at 3 in the morning, because I don't, but because I have panic attacks and resurfacing depression and overwhelming fear of another miscarriage and of becoming a mom. I am miserable when I am not training and I can't train because now I have "high risk" limitations on my activity. We both think this is bullshit, but aren't taking any chances, so I complain about how yoga alone isn't enough and blah blah blah.... poor S.

He was in his last year of law school. He'd graduate when I was 7 mos preggo and take the Bar three weeks after I was due. We thought that'd be hard, but we didn't know how hard. He missed classes in the last semester/last trimester a lot. He played catch up more than study up in the last month because I had appointments every week, sometimes twice a week and you know the rule, always together.

I thought I was in labor, I wasn't. I thought I was in labor again, I wasn't. I thought I was in labor for sure this time, I wasn't. "I know you should be at the library, but I've had a lot more contractions today than yesterday. Can you study here? Nevermind, go to school. I'll call you if I need you." Go ahead honey, concentrate.

I was 41 weeks pregnant and the doc wanted to induce me. "I know you need to study, but can we talk? I am so upset. I want her to come when she's ready and not be forced to be born earlier than she wants. Have you thought about this? I am thinking about not going to the hospital to be induced, are you okay with that? Nevermind, we'll talk about it later. I know you need to study." Concentrate.

I wasn't induced, E came on her own. S missed 2 more days of Bar prep classes during labor and delivery (16 more hours of catch up watching video tapes of the lectures) and another week of classes missed after that, on account of my 3rd degree laceration requiring 42 stitches from my a-hole to my v-hole, which rendered me mostly helpless.

He kept his confidence level up. He stayed positive. I asked if he could skip the Bar and take it next time. He said, "I could, but no! I think I can I think I can..."so I jumped on the choo choo train of complete insanity and sang the little engine who could song with him with fervor!

I also reminded him everyday that it didn't matter if he didn't pass. We had lots of options. I liked work and wouldn't mind going back at all. This could be a trial run. Don't worry, just do your best, all things considered. So he did his best. He did his best with 3 weeks of 2 hours of sleep a night and a seriously abbreviated prep and review process.

Friends and family looked at me like I was a cruel bitch when I said I thought it'd be a miracle if he passed. What they didn't realize was that I was protecting him from them. From their uneducated confidences, from their expressions of expectation that would make it so hard for him if he didn't pass. I had to tell it like it was because he wouldn't. I had to say, "but you don't know what he's been balancing" to help him, not hurt him. Hopefully, they'll see that now.

Really, S has passed more tests lately than ever before in his life. He's passed the test of being a patient husband to his crazy pregnant wife. He's passed the test of being a good and supportive friend to his crazy pregnant wife. He's passed the test of staying positive and determined in the face of challenges. He's passed the test of staring fear and potential emotional devastation in the face and saying, "I am excited to have a baby and I believe everything will be wonderful this time." He's passed the test of becoming a daddy and flourishing in his new role. He's fucking aced that one.

It hurts me when he hurts. I wish his disappointment was erased by looking at his beautiful little girl and believing that bringing her into the world is the only accomplishment he was really responsible for in July of this year. He is getting there. One day soon I hope he'll stop saying he failed and start saying he has to take the Bar again. In general, he's passing with flying colors. In fact, he's knocking it out of the park.